Songing. Thinking. Perfection? Not.
I’ve seen leaves fall
I’ve heard what the wind has to say
I’ve felt a light glowing on my skin
I’ve tasted a real day
I’ve seen her fall
Drying tears flood the place
She wants a light to shine on her life
A wish to taste a real day
I’ll awaken the light, I’ll awaken the light for you
While I was trying to finish the song briefly tonight, I was thinking about myself and what’s been going on lately along the topic of “nothing I do is ever good enough”.
Last Friday I got two major biology assignment marks back. Both which I winged. The first internal was a big research about transgenesis in plants gathering legit information from different sources about processes, implications, opinions etc. This meant a lot of library time. However, really, I didn’t spent much time working on it at all. There was no motivation and it was a bit of a bore. My aim was to just pass. On the day the research log book was due, I had 11 pages of resources stuck in. Most people’s books were at least 50 pages.
The second internal was a little easier. It was just a test about biotechnolgy. During the learning of the topic I was absent a lot and had nothing filled in my workbook. It was like a ‘crash’ period in my seventh form year. Everything was too much and school just wasn’t important any more. On the day of the internal I didn’t go to school until 12pm or something when I had the test. So the morning before from about 9 or 10am I started studying for it. This was all new to me. I got to school and didn’t even know what room the test was in. It was a bit of a panic.
On Friday we got our marks back. I achieved both internals with excellence.
It’s crazy. I don’t know how. I know I don’t deserve it. I’m not even a natural at biology or anything. Not at all. But the sad thing is, last period Friday we got our results and over the weekend I doubted myself so much, I was converting myself to believing that I actually read the marks wrong and I didn’t really get E. It was maybe the person below or above me that I read. Today I checked my marks again. They were exactly what I read.
After this pointless ramble, today I felt relatively good about myself, obtaining 6 excellence credits very much needed on my record. Tonight, I put it on my NCEA summary report and added all my excellences and realised that I kinda wasn’t even close to achieving with excellence.
I do great in these two very difficult internals, and yet, I’m still inadequate to achieve what I want to. Life is like that though. We can most likely never be the best. Be the best person, be the best musician or songwriter or the smartest or the one with the most confidence. Perfection doesn’t exist. It’s hard to get my head around that… That we will always work towards things with all our heart, but sometimes never have a chance of being perfect and the best. I don’t want to worry anymore about being the best. I want to compare my achievements with myself. Did I deserve it? Did I work my hardest? Did I give it my all? Because that’s what really counts. I have to remember that God loves me for who I am and I don’t have to constantly work hard to be great at everything to be the perfect Christian girl who serves God. No one is perfect - we are not God. God is perfect. God is holy. If we were perfect we would be God.
I can’t fully understand myself what I want to say, but I think it goes along the lines of don’t beat yourself up or punish yourself if you aren’t the best at what you love to do because that just leaves more room for improvement and the best thing is seeing yourself grow in something YOU initiated. In something you love.
I feel I’ve posted this before, but it seems somewhat appropriate now. Something else I started but haven’t built on in a while.
It’s Your name, it’s Your grace that we praise
Your love, Your love will never change
In my heart You are the one
The one who gave your life for me
Jesus you set us free
Jesus you love me
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